I haven’t written here in a very long time. I have written several posts in my head but haven’t actually sat down and typed them up. That’s something I plan to change. I miss writing. Journaling my thoughts and life. When I started blogging I shared it everywhere for all to read. At this point it’s more for me than anyone else and so I don’t plan to shout it from the rooftops, so to speak. I’m thankful for anybody that chooses to tag along though :) It’s almost like a form of therapy at times. I also do plan to update the blog. It’s very dated and I’d like to change it up to something I like better. Look for the layout to change around the beginning of next year. I’m certain that I won’t have time to update until then as we are remodeling a house and selling our current house (set to close the 30th and no, I’m not prepared and should be packing right now!). And things will be crazy for at least the next few months, I’m sure! I’m hopeful it’ll only be a few months.
The past year has been a mix of things for me….depression, loss, anger, sadness, joy, anxiety, overwhelming…. Most people, even family, don’t know this. The one thing all this taught me is that I want to be honest. Always. Even when it’s hard. With myself. With others. And to own those emotions. Honesty isn’t always easy. Trust me. And because I’m walking into this new season, I’m sure this blog will reflect that. I think that’s another great thing about blogging, it evolves with you as you grow and change.
You see, for years I tried to be what everyone wanted or I thought they needed me to be. Careful to try not to offend anyone. What I’ve come to learn, in doing that, was that being honest does offend people. And you have to be ok with that. I can’t say I’m sorry that I was honest. I can say that, at times, there were better, more loving ways to go about it and for going about it wrong I am very sorry. I tend to be a very blunt person and I’m working on honesty in a more loving way. It bothers me when I speak directly to someone is that they don’t give me the same respect back. Instead of receiving an e-mail or text, I’d prefer people talk to me directly. I can’t say I blame anyone for this because I know it’s easier to e-mail. I’ve certainly been that person sending e-mails rather than a direct conversation, even a few months ago, so I totally understand it but being on the receiving end has taught me that it’s not even close to the best way to go about it. For that I’m thankful because now I will make the conscious effort to be direct and not take the coward’s way out, which is what I’ve done for years.
I’ve been working at a place for a little over a year that I love at times and hate at times but one thing I’ve learned working there is that communication and honesty are key. If you’re being an a$@ someone will most definitely call you out for it and straight up tell you you’re being an a$@! You can either deny it and get mad or you can evaluate and realize that they’re right and adjust your attitude and go about your business. I’ve been on both sides of this and the worst side is definitely being called out but having someone keep you accountable is a good thing. It’s taken me a while to swallow that pill but it definitely humbles you and makes you think.
The biggest loss this year was my sister’s passing in September. No matter how prepared you think you are, you aren’t. Trust me! It hurts. I don’t know when or if it ever stops hurting but it has definitely been a devastating experience. We were told in January she had only 2 weeks to live but she fought until September when she just couldn’t anymore. I still have her ashes with me daily. I still tear up when strange things come to mind and remind me of her…a butterfly flying across my windshield as I merge onto the highway… I still can’t talk about her without getting teary eyed so at this point I mostly just don’t. I believe I’ll get to that point where I can and I want to. I want to talk about her. I want to tell her kids (and mine) funny stories of us growing up. Us fighting. And did we fight a lot but in the end we loved a lot too. Some days I feel like everything is so very urgent and needs done…NOW. And others I feel like why bother… I’m still working out my emotions. Talking to God and letting Him help me. It’s made me reevaluate my relationship with Him. I see changes that need made and am working on that. I think I walked away from Him for a time, even if I didn’t want to admit it, but I’ve recommitted myself to the Lord and He & I know what needs worked on and we’re getting there.
Just weeks prior to my sister going into hospice I had a friend decide it was time to say goodbye to our friendship. It was a mix of emotions. This friend and I had several tumoltuous years so it’s really probably no surprise to anyone that knows us. It’s probably best for us both, even though it still saddens me to think about it. I will always love her and wish her the best in life. I won’t lie, it’s hard but I know that people are in our lives for seasons and there are reasons for this so I’m learning to live in the season I’m in and let go of past. I think that this particular situation taught me a lot. About myself. About others. I really do want to know what people think of me. Even when it hurts. I’d prefer they tell me at the time and not hold onto it for years because I think that stings worse. I know that I can’t control others’ actions though so I can’t expect them to do things the way I’d prefer. There were things I held onto and didn’t tell her for years as well and that was wrong on my part. A lot of it goes back to trying to keep everyone happy. When I just couldn’t keep her happy and no matter how much I apologized she wouldn’t hear it and I didn’t want to be honest (with either of us) it came out as anger toward her. Hers came out in various ways toward me. For me, I think I generally get mean or walk away from people once frustration hits. In this case I got mean and she got mean back and walked away. And that’s ok. Boundaries do need set and maybe that was part of our issue, boundaries were crossed. I think I tried to do the kinder thing and not respond to her angry words. I went back and forth on defending myself on the parts that she got wrong and telling her some things I felt she needed to hear. In the end though, I felt it was best to let it be. Sometimes it’s nicer to let others have the last say and speak their peace.
So this little back story is where I begin my journey back into blogging and changing the world around me. I hope that anyone that reads this joins me and if you choose not to, well, I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer!